this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
she looked like the before picture.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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