I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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