I have demons in me.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
