Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
