Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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