If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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