fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
