The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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