i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
