Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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