I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize