you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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