we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize
