She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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