I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
