Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
