My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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