The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
