before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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