I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
