you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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