My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
