Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
