I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
