He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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