There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
