you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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