you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Randomize
