Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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