How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize