I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
