I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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