no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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