One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
