the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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