I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
