I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
