are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
