Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
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