You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
