How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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