I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
