do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
