my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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