don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
