Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
