when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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