Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
