I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
