i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Damn victory sex feels great
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
