The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
