he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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