Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
