They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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