thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Who died my cat blue again?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
