you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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