five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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