Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
