You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
You ruined the universe
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