I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
