Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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