I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
