When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Randomize
