so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
