If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
