So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
